I’ve seen a lot of talk on Twitter about making Mental Health issues a more discussed subject, and I would like to talk about my issues. There will be a mention of self-harm, suicide, death, and negative thoughts, so please be careful when reading.
My mental health deteriorated when I lost my best friend. Well, not lost, because he died, but it felt like there was a hole in my chest, and that a part of me was missing. Tosh was my best friend, and we told each other everything. Add to that, I was studying for my AS Level exams, which I ended up failing, and retaking the year.
As a 17 year old teenager with the stress of failing exams and losing a friend, it seemed like the end of the world. This was the main point when I felt my mental health change. I had dealt with bullying all throughout school, which affected me as well, but not as much as that. There was also a moment with mygrandfather. I was going to eat a kitkat and he said that if I ate that I would get fat. I was relatively young at the time, and that comment still affects me.
I started self-harming. I felt like that would be the best release. If I could get everything out of my system, then I would be okay. Little did I know, it just kept building up. I made up a plan to commit suicide. I didn’t want to be alive any more.
Eventually these moods changed, and I was okay for the next 2 years. Then came the death of Ben, and I was heartbroken. That was the tipping point which has caused this ball of anxiety to stay with me. Ben was my cat, and he meant the world to me. He was put down, and I was at university, unable to say goodbye. I guess everything stems from the fear that everyone I love will disappear eventually.
Changes in circumstance causes me to become very anxious and there is a possibility that I will hurt myself. The anxiety is there constantly, when it is loudest it is telling me that I am an embarassment. A fat embarassment who doesn’t deserve anyone.
Most of the times it is a whisper.
“They are watching you”
“You can’t eat THAT in public”
It’s someone reminding me of all those things I’ve done in the past. It’s someone telling me that I can’t go outside because people are judging me. I can’t eat in public because people will stare at me, checking to make sure what I’m eating.
Anxiety isn’t cute. It is not wanting to leave the house because people are out there. It’s someone making you feel terrible for waking up. It’s thoughts that you’re not good enough to do anything.
However, I have had counselling twice, and I am on medication. The bad days aren’t that bad, but it’s something I never know about until I wake up. But it’s something we need to talk about more.